Life is Good. That's all.

I don't have a poem this time. No cry for help in this blog post mom haha 

I was just sitting here on the couch in my apartment, listening to music and I realized that I am excited to see my family in a couple weeks when I graduate. Because I AM GRADUATING. I will be an alumna of Brigham Young University in 17 short days. 

I've been avoiding thinking about my graduation. The truth is I don't want to be done with BYU. I love BYU. It has helped me grow in more ways than I'm sure I realize. But if I could stay here forever...I wouldn't.

 The motto for BYU is- 

Enter to Learn, Go Forth to Serve. 

Once upon a time I was going to go to Lugazi, Uganda to serve the people there. I was excited and couldn't wait for the wonderful experiences I would have. I was sure the trip to Africa was going to change my life. Before I was supposed to leave I started a blog so that the people who had given me financial support could see the results of their generous (and thoughtful) donations. I wrote the following statements on that blog, and two years later I read them again:

If you have a dream, go get it now. Life is about living. So live. Now by that I don't mean go party and do stupid things that could possibly end in death or some sort of liver disease. That's not living. Living is about serving. Service is what truly makes us feel like we are living up to our potential. We are always told that we need to have charity, which is the pure love of Christ. Well, that is Service. And service is Love. And love is Living. 

And that is why I want to go to Africa. To serve the people there. To love the people there. And to live and help others live.

View from my apartment at Stratford Court

I was sad when I realized I couldn't go to Africa. I spent a lot of nights crying myself to sleep, wishing I was in Africa rather than where I was. One night as I was doing my usual crying "woe is me" ritual I had a thought that changed my attitude. I thought, how ironic (not sure if this is a correct use of the term 'ironic'), that I am sitting on my bed wishing I was in Africa, when so many of those children would give anything to be here, where I am, having the opportunities that I have. How selfish of me to waste time being ungrateful. Those children in Africa are happy and enjoy their life, regardless of their circumstances. How pitifully first-world selfish I was being. I realized that I was wasting an opportunity that most of those kids would never get. The simple opportunity to appreciate the wonderful feeling that only comes from sleeping in a warm bed every night and the chance to drink clean water everyday. I'm not kidding. The simple things I took for granted I realized in that instant were wonderful gifts from my Heavenly Father. I never got to go to Africa, but even from thousands of miles away those kids changed my perspective on life. 

So when I leave BYU I will not waste my time by wishing I was somewhere other than where I am. I will thank the Lord for the wonderful experiences I had and then I will look forward, and I will live everyday. Because life is not what happened yesterday, or what might happen tomorrow, life is right now. Your life is this moment. So the answer to the question, will I end up happy? is found in how you live every moment. And so, even though change affects me in ways that I can't fully explain, I will be happy regardless of what trials I face in life.

Walking up the basement stairs of the JFSB

 I love BYU and am extremely grateful to the Lord for giving me the wonderful opportunity to gain a college degree, so wonderful in fact that according to the Huffington Post in 2010 only 6.7% of the world's population has that same opportunity. 

Stream of thought

Sometimes I write poems without spending a lot of time trying to make them perfect. I just let it out and put down what's in my head at that exact moment. Those are some of my favorite poems that I've written. The human mind is a beautiful gift that I am very grateful for. 

I wrote this poem yesterday. I had a lot going on in my head and decided to write it as it came. I had gone on a hike earlier in the day to let off steam and was amazed by the beauty and peace that I found in the mountains.

Listen to your heart

Stop searching for the answers in the dark

I’m feelin like I’m lost

Didn’t realize hesitation had a cost

Life’s too short to say goodbye

But I guess I’ll have to try

I’m not who I used to be

But still not quite the whole of me.

To trek the mountains, trek the sky

Make me stop and wonder why

The world seems to move so fast

Just want the view, moment to last.

Obviously blogging consistently is not my thing. I just don't feel like I have a lot to say, ever. 

But I'm graduating and that's gotten me thinking about a lot of things lately. The main concern being time and how it passes me by without a care. My life sometimes seems to be one big blur of indecision and fear. It's easy to get caught up in the fast pace of the world and forget the real purpose of life, which does not include anything remotely related to fame or fortune or whether or not I attain a PhD. I'm grateful for the knowledge I have of the Plan of Salvation. I know that I am here to fulfill an eternal role and that my progression is not, nor will it ever be, limited by time. 

(In order to see what day I was graduating I looked at BYU's academic calendar and as I did I felt a rush of emotion; so I wrote a poem and called it Calendar)

 Calendar: 

Number the days and watch them go

A wisp in the wind, footprints in the snow

Days into weeks into months into years

No way of knowing if there will be tears

Ink on a page apathetic and bold

Jealously guarding stories untold

Deceptive and cunning, hiding the truth,

That little black ink has stolen our youth.

How many memories trapped on a page?

The friendships and photographs yellowed with age.

The smell of the grass, crunch of leaves in the fall

Those little black numbers, concealing it all.

(View of Provo from Kiwanis Park)

Admiration and Love

I have always looked up to my sisters and brothers. As a kid I thought they could do no wrong and I was astounded when I found out that they were not perfect. 

I've spent my life (which notably has not been that long) and plan on spending the rest of my life trying to live up to their expectations and follow in their footsteps. I love them. Every single one. I don't have one sibling that I do not admire and respect. They aren't perfect. At all. But they do the best they can in a world that is hard to live in.

I know the Lord put them in my life because he knew they would always love me and help me. And I need that love. The Lord knows what I need and he will always love me no matter what I do or how far I distance myself from him. I feel my Savior's love every time I am with my family. They are the Savior's hand in my life. 

So this is a general thank you to seven people that have been extremely influential in the shaping of who I am. So thanks! haha 

 This is the best pic we took ha

 Love this picture

 He doesn't like to take pictures

Also, here is a poem that I wrote. And the only reason this relates is because I was reading it and I realized that my siblings have all helped me develop the testimony that I have. So yeah.

And it still doesn't have a title, but oh well. 

Trapped by fear and grief and lack of sleep

It’s hard to let go of dreams you can’t keep,

Like the hope that your kids wouldn't have too much pain.

It’s hard to not fall and give in to the strain.

It’s hard when you have to let go of past dreams

It’s hard to not just fall apart at the seams.

It’s hard to accept that life’s not for fun

Wanting and wishing to just up and run

To get away as far you can

Before one more despair comes and ruins your plan.

A plan for a peaceful life

One that’s calm and free of strife.

But it can’t be, that’s not part of the deal

We’re here to make sure we’re for real.

We’re here to become who we’re supposed to be,

Like the Savior who bled in Gethsemane.

A poor wayfaring man of grief

Who came and died for my relief.

Am I supposed to feel alone?

Or find in Christ my home.

He died for me so I could see

That I can live, I can be free

These chains that bind me for a moment

Are broken by his sacrifice, atonement.

My ache and grief and heart wrenching pain

Are only for my gain.

Tonight, though the path remains cloudy and darkness is here

I’ll hold on to my faith and let go of the fear

Just Living

I've decided that I am going to try and be more consistent with this blog, and treat it as a way for you guys to keep up with random things in my life. Also, I was thinking of calling this blog "Just Living" So if anyone ever reads this (hahaha) please give me suggestions on what it should be called. Maybe I'll just comment on it myself haha

It's weird going from living with someone for three years and seeing them everyday pretty much every second of your life and then being without them. It feels like something is missing...which obviously something is missing, namely an entire human being haha I miss living with my friend. I can't wait until one day I can do the same as her and leave a stuffy old apartment full of single girls with high pitched nasal voices and have my own place with my own man who will love me forever. Sounds pretty awesome to me. 

The Savior

So here is another poem I wrote haha (I have to have some kind of outlet so I guess this is it) But yeah. So I wrote this one a while ago. Some of it sounds a little corny and it's definitely not the best poem out there, but it's how I was feeling at that moment.

I think sometimes we all forget what truly matters, and as we get caught up in the things of the world we start to forget the Savior's sacrifice and we lose our grip on the principles of the gospel. Maybe it doesn't happen to everyone, but it happens to me. So yeah. Here is my poem about the Savior.

Sometimes I feel a little lost.

Hopeless, trapped without a cause.

Like a broken record stuck on play,

Doing the same pointless things day after day

I feel as though chains of misery and despair

Are holding me down, and keeping me there.

It’s like a dark cloud is blinding me

Preventing me from breaking free

Then through that murky mist I see a light

The Son, shining through the darkness with power and might

And I remember the one who sets all men free.

The one who loves me for me.

The Son of God, the one who knows my ache

And when the pain is too much to shake

He is the one who gently lifts me from the floor.

He is always knocking at my door.

There is one who loves me.

He bled and prayed in Gethsemane.

He died that I might live.

He stripped me of the burden of all my sin.

Sometimes I feel a little lost.

Then I remember the one who knows my cause.

And on my knees I thank Him everyday

For being there and listening when I pray

 

(I drew this a long time ago, I think it's been 4 years)

Happy Sunday!!

LIFE

SO I’ve decided I want to blog. I’ve never blogged before so I don’t really know what I should put on here. 

But I guess my first post is just gonna be a poem I wrote a little while ago. I was sitting in my chair thinking about a bunch of stuff and I decided to write it down. So this poem is simply what I was thinking about at the time. It's called Life. Here it is --->

Life can be tricky, confusing and hard

Things that seem simple- turns out they leave scars

So tough to decide- Do I go left, or right?

Do I do it now or wait till it’s in sight?

Can I take a chance?

Will that be alright?

What if it’s wrong and I lose what I had?

Is that even all that bad?

 “For all sad words of tongue and pen,

 the saddest are these,

‘It might have been’.”

But how do I tell?

Will that turn out to be me?

Will I lose out on opportunity?

I do not want my life to be full of sorrow and regret

And yet,

What is a life without those two things?

Can it even be done by a single human being?

Or do I press on regardless of both?

Should I put my worries aside and follow my heart?

But the heart seems such a fickle thing

One day in love, the next full of hate

And so it seems that the only solution is to resign to fate.

But that doesn’t seem right

The decision is mine

Will I make my own path?

Or will I lay down and lose the fight?

I must decide today

For the longer I put it off

The more likely it seems

That all of my dreams

Will never take flight

 (I drew this the other day during my class. Obviously I wasn't paying attention haha) 

So there ya go. my first post.